As humans we are social beings and we’re wired to connect. What happens when those connections are not available to us? We may seek comfort in food. Food becomes our friend and food becomes the thing that’s stable and does not let us down. When people are not available, sometimes food is. It can be consistent, enjoyable and a replacement for the people in our lives who are absent whether physically or emotionally.
I see the majority of eating disorders as a disorder of attachment. At some point in the person’s life they stopped turning to people for help and instead used food to cope. Food was a more reliable source for connection, comfort, enjoyment etc. than a person who was responsible to show up for them. Food is always there!
Food often takes the place of relationships as a way to cope with the distress and feeling alone.
What I have often found in working with clients is that food attempts to mend hurt caused by others.
Food as comfort
There is comfort in consistency and food is often always around. Food can be comforting because it can take up time where that time would have been spent engaging with another human.
Food can be comforting in general, or we may specifically seek out foods that hold sentimental value to us, such as cookies that grandma used to make, popcorn because it reminds us of the movie theater, or for me personally feeling nostalgic of my Girl Scout days when cookie selling season comes around. Eating those cookies reminds me of my childhood days of being in Girl Scouts.
Food as our friend
Unlike humans, food does not let us down or does not hurt us. There are no expectations, difficult conversations, feeling criticized by food or harmed by food in the same way people do.
Food does not lie, cheat or abandon us.
Food is enjoyable
Our brains are also wired to enjoy the food we are eating so it perpetuates us continuing to eat to survive. If we are feeling emotional discomfort from loss or emptiness in our relationship it makes sense we want to get that pleasure from something else. Food can be a simple solution to meet the need of pleasure in our lives.
If you seek food as comfort, a friend or a replacement for people
Don’t judge yourself for this. Instead see yourself as an adaptable human who found a way to cope with immense distress for those relationships who were not available to you.
It is a sign of resilience to find a way through difficulty and struggle.
But be curious. Be open to seeing how food has been a replacement for such people in your life and explore the role you would like food to take. It can be an important first step simply identifying that your relationship with food is complicated. Your challenges with food may be due to lack of connection in relationships, having challenging relationships or feeling unsatisfied by the relationships you do have.
Wherever you are in the process, the first step is to begin somewhere.
It’s ok to ask for help on your journey healing your relationship with food.
If you’re ready to take that step, check out our course on “Make Peace with Food” to get started or reach out to schedule a consultation.
We look forward to guiding you on your journey to food freedom.
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