What does it mean for someone to be “perfect?” Does it mean they have the best job, an attractive partner, wealth, popularity, recognition and are happy etc.? Can anyone really achieve these standards? Does the definition of perfect change from person to person? I believe so.
In describing someone struggling with an eating disorder, perfectionism is depriving oneself to the point of starvation and even that is often not enough.
Perfectionism may look good from the outside but typically the person struggling with perfectionism internally is driven by self hate, not feeling good enough and constant criticism to keep going. The benchmark never stops moving. The goal only becomes further away and our satisfaction for happiness, success, recognition is never achieved.
What is it that we think perfectionism provides?
We all can name that woman, person, coworker who exemplifies perfectionism to us. But what does that really mean? What do we ultimately get if we reach perfection?
For many people I believe perfectionism aims to achieve these goals: to be attractive, find the ideal partner, land the incredible job, possess wealth, live in the best place and experience the most exciting opportunities all while being recognized for such aspects of our lives.
Perfectionism represents the ideal. But what if the ideal comes at a cost, such as your health, time, money, relationships. Is this really perfect if we lost an opportunity to be in love because we landed that dream job that takes us out of living our fullest life because we work all the time.
Is it worth it to have the absolute most clean house, but we have lost our free time. Or maybe we do make so much money but at the expense of time with our families.
Perfectionism isn’t real. Not only because it is not obtainable but because it does not allow true happiness or for us to live in our messy lives, to be vulnerable, authentic and real as humans.
The issue
Here’s the problem. We tend to only focus on those desired characteristics of another person without truly knowing the whole story or situation. For instance, we may view their romantic relationship as something to envy, but do you really know what happens behind closed doors? Does the couple actually love one another, get along well and complement each other’s life?
We glorify certain parts of someone’s life and feel less satisfied in our own life. This does not lead to happiness.
Perfectionism aims to feel better from an external place, rather than internal self worth. By receiving recognition we believe ourselves to be ok, rather than having the self worth to already know we are ok without external validation.
Also, we never really get there. If the goal is to be perfect, we are going to run ourselves into the ground trying to get there because it doesn’t exist. There is always going to be an obstacle or barrier unless you learn to live in the messy gray area.
What do to instead
See that perfectionism is not only unrealistic, it does not allow for humanness, which can be the greatest gift of all.
Acknowledge your own needs. What is it that you are really wanting for yourself and invest in those areas of your life.
Notice when you are comparing yourself to others. See how you feel when you are in this comparison and do your best to refrain from such thoughts.
Recognize when you are stuck in a spiral of constant dissatisfaction with your efforts and where you have achieved, invested in, been happy with a situation.
Practice gratitude for what you have: relationships, career opportunities, any place to live, resilience etc. Gratitude does not have to relate to material things but rather strengths of ours. To see your strengths and weaknesses is to move out of perfectionism.
Perfectionism stems from an internal desire to be “good enough” but here’s the thing, you already were good enough. Authentic happiness comes within, not outside of ourselves.
If something needs to change, make a change, but recognize when you are falling into the pitfalls of perfectionism.
Perfectionism isn’t real, unfulfilling and empty.
You already have the worth you need.
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